Archive | June 2014

Sanctimonious Bubblegum (A Lampoon)

Sanctimonious BubblegumWhat would you think or do if you heard someone say, “Please become willing to reexamine what the Bible teaches on chewing bubblegum?” Would you think it absurd, off the wall, out of the box or wonder if someone is messing with you?

Let me be tongue in cheek. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hearing a lot these days about what the bible teaches on the value of chewing bubblegum and being a natural-born chewer.

But before I go any further, I want to define what sanctimonious bubblegum chewing is. Hey, why not? I mean if you haven’t heard, there’s a secret anyone can use if they’re going to be successful—no matter what the pursuit is. This secret, developed by prognosticators for success could cost you $1000.00 in a seminar but I’m giving it for free. Here it is:

Anyone who defines the problem gets to control the process.”

It is with that secret in mind, that I provide this definition of Sanctimonious Bubblegum. So sure, control is the prize and I get that. I just want it on the table so we’re not messing with people. By the way, my definition is something I need to be careful of too.

Sanctimonious Bubblegum is a chewable secretion where we blow bubbles of hot air encased in a thin elastic layer of latex to guarantee the lowering of stress, increasing happiness, good breath and sense of well-being. At its height, the chewer’s joy increases when a loud pop can be heard after blowing this gum to its maximum proportion.”

When the pop is heard in a crowded room of people, the sanctimonious chewer will be troubled by anyone judging what they do as sin. They will begin to cry out, “I’m unloved!” Sanctimonious chewers can be religious and go as far as saying that if any non-chewer says they shouldn’t chew and pop bubblegum, the non-chewer is doing something Jesus wouldn’t do and divides believers.

Therefore, this sanctimonious chewing of gum becomes a holier-than-thou activity where a chewer is willing to cry to crescendo, “I’m offended by non-chewers!” Chewers will point out the need to study the bible more and especially passages where this twisted thinking can support their activity. If that doesn’t work, finally they’ll say, they can’t help themselves because God made them that way—a trump card to put down any resistance to popping bubbles and raining on their parade.

It doesn’t matter where we go. We can enter religious, social, or political circles and find a sanctimonious bubblegum chewer on any subject matter. They are quick to remind non-chewers that we’re not talking about inanimate objects but real people, who if they chew this gum, deserve every bit of love and empathy as anyone else.

So what does a sanctimonious bubblegum chewer get to control, at least if we accept my definition? Well, they get to enjoy popping their bubbles and feeling good about themselves because in their thinking, non-chewers have been isolated, marginalized and spanked. What a tactic, huh? Lacking scholastic biblical honesty, any sanctimonious bubblegum chewer will eventually stick their gum on your doorknob.

Mind you, I’m talking about chewing bubblegum or if you like, the analogy of chewing bubblegum and becoming sanctimonious. Why can’t the non-chewer say they don’t like the chewing and popping of bubblegum in crowds and resent the chewer who tries to make them surrender to it?

I’m tired of that option not being there when in the presence of such sanctimony. Are you?

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